I Take Thee, Wedding Cake.
There comes a day when we people around us start getting married. Like everyone is getting married. I’ve been to three weddings in the past four months. All for people my age who are actually ready to fully commit to being with another person until they die. First of all, that’s straight up crazy and impressive to me, a person who has a hard time committing to a nail color or dry shampoo. But these people, who I know, am friends with, and sometimes related to are at a place in their lives where they’re okay with being tied to another human. I guess in some ways it’s not so much the act of committing, but actually being satisfied or happy with your choice to commit in the long-run. I think that’s the scary part that I am in no way ready to dive into from an emotional stand point right now.
I’m a pretty good wedding guest. I’ll bring you a great present that was actually on your registry and I’m not afraid to be one of the first people on the dance floor. I’m also great because I’ll go where you put me. Is it time to go inside? Okay, see you there. We need to sit down? Well, I was probably already sitting because my feet hurt but I’ll tell that guy I know chit-chatting to cut it out and take a seat, but in a fun and friendly way. I don’t want to judge your wedding, but it’s going to happen and I’m sorry about it. I’m sure I really like you as a person, bride or groom, but this is just what happens when you’re a millennial 20-something who spent the last eight years with Bride-day Fridays on TLC. I didn’t waste hours sitting on the couch with my roommates watching Four Weddings and Say Yes to The Dress while putting together our secret Pinterest boards to not have an opinion about your center pieces.
Let me preface these observations with my expectations: if I am going to fore-go spending a Saturday night on my couch with a warm pizza, wine, and a Parks and Rec marathon, this thing better be worth it. I put on a bra for this. I brushed my hair. I left my cat. I am here in the outside world interacting with acquaintances and strangers all because I probably love you and respect you as a person. Please don’t let me down. You are hopefully only going to get married once. Even if you do somewhere down the line get remarried, you’re probably only going to have one wedding. I’ve seen enough TV to know that people who get remarried after the age of 40 usually do a destination ceremony on a beach with their immediate family. So this is really your one chance to throw a mega-awesome and fun party with your closest friends and relatives. You need to go for it.
If God is a DJ, Life is a Dance Floor.
I’ve been to one wedding with a really, really phenomenal live band, but every other time there was a band I cringed the whole time and tried to leave early. The safest bet is the DJ. I get that it’s your wedding and you can request what music you want to play but don’t get crazy. No one wants to listen to country music. You cannot dance to country music. You have to two-step and there is no faster way to clear a dance floor than by making people couple-up. Please stop playing it at weddings. I get that you live in “the country”, and drive a truck, and probably own camouflage, but no one cares and your weird half-slow songs are bumming everyone out. Please only play 2 minutes of line dance songs. The Cha-Cha Slide is 11 minutes long and after the fifth “cha-cha real smooth” everyone is tired and just wants it to be over. Play more Beyoncé and 90's hits like Blue by Eifle 65 and NSYNC. Things people know the words to and dance around their room to when they’re home alone. Think of the songs that you can bounce around to and just have a really good time. People just want to enjoy themselves without having to leave the dance floor under the premise of going to the bathroom to avoid awkward slow dancing with strangers. Let the DJ do their job and let me bounce around the dance floor to Summer Girls by LFO.
Let's All Raise a Glass!
Some weddings don't have open bars, which I get. I don’t like it, but I get it. But sometimes they have no bars. A dry wedding. Why. I respect the decision and your probably really strong beliefs behind it but what am I supposed to do the whole night? Make small talk with strangers? Pass. I don’t need alcohol to have fun, but I do need it to interact with people I don’t know and not be an awkward toddler. I was at a dry wedding once where my friend and I were convinced there was a bar and we just couldn’t find it because we kept seeing people walk around with fancy glasses. We basically spent the whole night looking for it and not being involved in the wedding, which was a bummer but kind of a fun memory I have now, but it wasn’t worth it. I would rather have had the alcohol and not a sub-par anecdote. At least have champagne present for your celebratory life event, like that’s the bare minimum anyone would expect. I went to a wedding recently where it was open bar but you were encouraged to tip or pay what you could, which I actually really liked and would probably do at my own wedding. I’m totally willing to pay for my vodka Sprite, but I just don’t want to be forced to pay $10 for $3 worth of alcohol and a judgmental bartender. If your bartender goes along with my request to get a glass of champagne but in a regular cup because I think its easier to hold then I’m going to leave that interaction a lot happier than I would if I had to pay more money for less champagne in a less comfortable glass. Help a sister out, give me a glass of wine and let me live. Or at least tell me beforehand so I can mentally prepare myself and type up some conversation topics.
The Buffet Line is Now Open.
I AM ALL ABOUT A GOOD BUFFET. I am so here for them and I am not ashamed. People always dance around the plates going “oh, yeah I’ll maybe grab a plate, I don’t know if I’m ready, I had half a carrot earlier, is it open? I can’t even tell.” Honey, it is open for business and that macaroni and cheese is calling my name. Move it or lose it. Buffets are great because I can get two plates and pretend that I’m bringing one to someone at my table when really I just needed more room for all my breads and cheeses. But I also love the seated meals where people just keep bringing you food because then no one has to get up. We can just stuff our faces and not have to worry about running into someone we know on our way to get our third serving of potato wedges. No interruptions, just a constant flow of food with little to no effort. And if it is your wedding, please eat. I would rather you eat your food that you paid for than you come around to each table during the meal. One, you don't get to eat which sounds terrible and two, you are interrupting me eating, and which is equally terrible. We can hug and congratulate you later after I've consumed my weight in salmon. But y'all have to cut the cake quick. Sorry, but the longer the cake sits there untouched, the longer we all have to stare at it wishing we were licking some icing.
All the Single Ladies!
Y’all. I can’t handle bouquet tosses. I think anyone who has been to a wedding with me has witnessed how little I care or participate in bouquet tosses. I get that it’s tradition and whatever but it’s just not my personality. Let me set the scene. A beautiful bride walks up to the front of the room holding her bouquet that cost $200 for some reason. Bridesmaids, friends of the bride and groom rush up to the front, pushing each other out of the way. One older aunt is up there trying to fit in, a 16 year old is up there who wants to catch it and put it on Instagram, someone let the flower girl wander up there... it’s a mess, but everyone is excited for the possibility of catching these flowers and theoretically being the next one to get married. Then here I come, sauntering up to the scene with my large wine glass I convinced the bartender to pour champagne in. Undoubtedly my mom or someone else laughed and pushed me up there as a joke but none the less it’s happening and here I am, standing a solid 15 feet behind the huddled crowd of women who want to catch it. I will legitimately dodge the flowers if the bride just decides to chunk the bouquet as hard as she can and they make it back to me. I do not want to be the center of attention in general, let alone during an event that implies I’m so desperate to get married that I will fight my peers. I don’t want to sound pessimistic or judgmental, but it’s just not who I am fundamentally as a person. But look at it like this, with me out of the way, that’s one less person for you to elbow in the stomach to get to a flying bouquet of flowers.
Help Me Help You.
Tell us what the dress code is in the invitation. There is only so much we as guests can piece together with season, venue, and time of day. I can not tell you how many times I ask my mom what the dress code is for a wedding and she goes, "I'm sure whatever you'd normally wear to a wedding is fine". No, that's not how this works. I don't know what kind of vibe this wedding is going to have. It's at a yacht club in the middle of January. How do you normally dress for that?
Give us something to do while we wait for you to show up. Entertain us, we want to be entertained. This wedding is basically a giant party and take it from Tom Haverford and Jean-Ralphio from Entertainment720, people have to be completely entertained from the moment they walk in to the moment they leave. I'm not asking for Bengal Tigers or a shrimp wall, but put out like photo albums or a slideshow or something. Give us something to look at if you're going to make us wait to eat or drink until you show up.
I feel like I shouldn't have to say this but please make sure they're enough seating for everyone at your reception. "Oh we want everyone to mingle and interact with each other." Okay, that's fair but what does it have to do with me having a chair? How am I supposed to eat this steak with one hand? I'd pick it up and bite into it but that's apparently "rude and unbecoming".