How to Watch the Super Bowl When You Care But You Don’t Really Care
“You gotta getcha-getcha-getcha-getcha head in the game.”
Growing up in Texas, I’ve been subjected to more football than I’ve really wanted to ever be around. From Friday night high school football games to family get-togethers where I usually sit in the living room with my dad and uncles and watch whatever game we can find as to avoid actually interacting with people, whether I liked it or not I was there watching men run around on a grassy field in unattractive outfits. It didn't help that my hometown of Houston felt so betrayed after the Oilers left to go to Tennessee that when we finally got the Texans everyone clung to them like a kindergartener clings to their parent’s leg on the first day of school. Seriously, JJ Watt is in pretty much every commercial and while I do love him, it's a bit over-kill.
Because all of this unwanted knowledge and my inherited dedication to a team, I’m forced to sit through game commentary about forward-yardage and completion percentages. Honestly no one other than a statistician cares about numbers like that. I just want to drink and eat seven-layer dip until I find out who wins so I can go to sleep.
So with that being said Super Bowl is happening and you’re going to be forced to watch it. You’re going to have to sit in a room with people who care more about it than you and can name more than two players on each team and interact with them. I’m sorry, I don’t make the rules. That’s just how society works. We all have to witness events like this so we can talk about it and feel like we're part of a community. But if you're like me and you care but you really don't care and honestly you'd rather just be watching four hours of the Kardashians on that Sunday night instead, I can offer you some ways to get through it.
Know Just Enough
Learn the names of three players on each team and blame everything on them. Try for the quarterback, their best running back, and a defensive player that way someone you know will always be on the field. Example from a recent game that I’m still bitter about: “Yeah, DeAndre didn’t catch the ball but Hoyer literally did nothing to help him and shouldn’t even be on the team in my opinion.” Know who the coach is. Last names work just fine. You don’t need more than that. Find out where the teams are from, at least. Like you don’t necessarily have to know that Seattle’s team name is the Seahawks, all you have to know is that they’re from Seattle. People more often refer to the team by city or state than by actual name. Know they have to score touchdowns and those are worth 6 points. Everything else you can use context clues to figure out. Put in a little effort and throw in some fluff words to fill in the gaps, like "communication" or "team work".
Hold Out For Halftime
The best part of the Super Bowl is the Halftime Show. When Beyoncé brought out Destiny's Child that one year I actually cried. Real tears fell from my eyes. The 15 odd minutes the Halftime Show happens are pretty much the only time that normal people with lives can genuinely appreciate. In my opinion, there are more relevant surprises in the Halftime Show than in the actual game. Oh, their quarterback got hurt and they replaced him with a defensive end? Okay that's an interesting move, I guess. Coldplay brought out Justin Timberlake and Cher to sing My Humps by The Black Eyed Peas?! What?! Are you serious?! What a cultural phenomenon that we will be talking about with our grandchildren in 2082! Amazing. Not everyone can talk about the pros and cons of an on-side kick, but all people can talk about a musical performance from a popular artist. I know sometimes it feels like the first half of the actual game is fourteen hours long but you can make it. Halftime is your mental break you need to be able to sit through the rest of the game. Beyoncé believes in you.
Find the Food
I’ve been very fortunate to always attend watch parties that involve almost too much food if that’s even possible. When in doubt, go to where the food is. You can take a break from the football and dig into the Fritos for a bit. It’s also almost guaranteed that someone else will be there who also doesn’t really care about the game and y’all can chit-chat about literally anything else. If you’re afraid that where you’re going won’t have adequate food supply, offer to order some pizzas ahead of time and have people Venmo you money later. If you get there and there’s really no food, Favor/Postmates that situation. Another great thing about eating a lot at Super Bowl parties is that it’s harder for people to ask your opinion or expect you to be involved in the conversation. You can always just stuff four nachos in your mouth and then do a semi-nod, half shrug to anything someone will say to you. Let food be your friend who cock-blocks conversations.
Lean on Twitter
Twitter is the place to go when you need something witty and observant to say about the game or a recent play so that people think you know what’s happening. It’s also a great place to turn when you missed something big or don’t understand what’s happening. You don’t have to ask out loud, but someone on the #Superbowl feed will probably be discussing the exact same thing. Another reason to keep up with Twitter is because you’re probably going to get bored after 9 minutes into the first quarter and you can commiserate with other people who don’t really care. Plus you’ll be the first to know about the new meme that inevitably comes out of this game. What will be the new Left Shark? You’ll be the first to know and can flaunt this new information around in front of all your friends. Charge your phone, keep a backup charger handy, and get tweeting.
Take It From Me
Here are some things I've learned the hard way:
- People don't like it when you refer to the team uniforms as "outfits".
- And they really don't like it when you talk about how the uniform colors clash with the color of the grass on the field and how they should have thought that through since they only ever play on green grass/turf fields.
- Pull a Tina Belcher and just look at the butts. Admire them. People will think you're just really into the game and that's why you're staring so intently at the screen.
- Don't be the first to cheer something because it may not be a cheer-worthy moment. Always wait for someone else to start it off before you embarrass yourself and have to leave.
- Even if no one else is eating the queso, you're apparently not allowed to take the entire bowl with you back to your seat.
- This also goes for chicken wings, nachos, alcohol, or any food item other than pizza, which people will just grab out of the box even if it's sitting on your lap.
Here are some of my favorite things to say during football games:
- Wow, sports!
- Check out the arm on that guy.
- Slam dunk that puck in the endzone!
- This is just like in Remember the Titans.
- This is just like in Friday Night Lights.
- This is just like in [ literally any sports movie ]
- This is just like in that Thanksgiving episode of Friends where they played football for the Gellar Cup.
- This is just like in High School Musical 3: Senior Year. Only works if there's a situation where a they only have 16 minutes to do something, someone is distraught about their future, or someone starts singing on the field.
- Why is Charles Barkley here?
- Where is Erin Andrews?
- What a play!
- We are getting a master class in football right now, you guys.
- Can you imagine getting paid millions of dollars because you're really good at playing a game? Like if I'm really good at Hide and Seek I could be getting paid $7 million to pay at a professional level. Amazing.
- *in a deep masculine video game voice* E.A. Sports. Get in the game!